Hollywood Divorces

Jackie Collins, I have a sneaking suspicion one of your novels is called that… Don’t sue me.

Right, so the other day Ashlee Simpson (the only person I think a nose-job worked for) filed for divorce from her husband of two-and-a-bit years, Pete Wentz.

Oh, another Hollywood divorce! Nothing new there, eh?

Maybe so. But they were one of the celebrity couples I saw lasting, at least more than two years. I mean, Britney and that Federline spa lasted longer than that!

So it got me thinking about couples in Hollywood, and which ones last, which don’t and which you know will only last a wet Wednesday before the divorce lawyers are called in.

Next Stop, Splitsville!

Kelly Osbourne and Rob Damiani
One word: REBOUND. She’s still freaked about yer man Luke Worrall being a big cheaty b*****d, and no doubt her ability to trust is down the swanny. I’d be surprised if it lasts.

Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied
I hate to say it, because I love Natalie Portman and wish she’d have a lovely stable home to bring her baby into. But I can’t shake the feeling that it was all just TOO fast. BAM! Movie. BAM! Engaged. BAM! Knocked up. Ya know?

Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy
Again, I hate to say it, because these are two seriously cooool people (hello there Muse frontman) but I think she goes for musician-y types and eventually just gets bored and moves on.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries
Firstly, Kim K is THE choosiest woman on the planet. Secondly, every man in the world wants her, so Kris would wanna have his jealously levels in check. Thirdly, her mam and her boyf, same name? Imagine the bedroom awkwardness…

Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez
Not gonna last. They’re both still in nappies. And some crazed Belieber is gonna assassinate Gomez before she becomes legal. Obviously I wish no ill-will onto Selena, but she’d wanna watch out. Beiber has some HARDCORE crazy bitch fans.

Elen Rivas and Peter Andre
The most blatant publicity stunt in the history of publicity stunts. Ooh, would ya look at that! Elen goes on Dancing on Ice, Peter’s star is fading. BAM! They go on a series of terribly public dates and return to the tabloids.


Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick
They’ve had their shakes (Matthew apparently had a little fling with someone a while back) but they have their new twins and their son and seem to be going strong. And of course, horses mate for life. Don’t they?

Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson
They’re just really, REALLY in love. Warms the coldest recesses of my heart. He always mentions her in his speeches and stuff too. Cute.

Beyoncé and Jay Z
Homegirl knows where it’s at. She keeps her relationship as private as possible, not talking about her hubby or their lives together to anyone in the media. You can just tell by them that they’re in it for the long haul. True lurve. *pauses while you all vomit*

Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell
They’re so old, if they haven’t broken up at this stage, they may aswell stick it out with each other. Anyway, no man in his right mind would take up with Frozen Face Hawn over there…

Surprise Splitters

Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman
To be honest, they just seemed really solid. I mean, X-tina’s a flaming oddball at the best of times, but JB seemed really regular to counteract her oddballishness. Obviously it wasn’t to be.

Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams
These two seemed great as a couple. They weren’t sluts for the tabloids and they seemed to be really well suited. I suppose even having a beautiful little girl can’t keep a weak couple together.

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds
Shock split of 2010. They were such a good couple. So pretty. Evidently it takes more than looks to keep a marriage healthy. Scar-jo is VERY young though, so maybe she needs to play the field a bit?

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker
Actually, this wasn’t much of a surprise to me. I always had a feeling that she was WAY more into him than he was to her. He always seemed, in interviews and stuff (it’s not like I’ve MET either of them…) to be a little less eager than her. And he’s a sportsperson. We all know they can’t keep it in their pants.

Courteney Cox and David Arquette
Another pair who seemed strong, who seemed to gel well and love each other. Appearances in LA LA land are obviously deceptive. The strain of IVF and whatever troubles they had having kids must’ve taken it’s toll.

Doomed from Day One

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey
Seriously? Marriage is difficult enough in the first year or so, but to have a freakin’ film crew follow your every move/kiss/argument? They might as well have signed their divorce papers instead of their marriage license.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez
Ben Affleck is now going out with America’s girl next door sweetheart, Jennifer Garner. J-to-tha-L-O was never gonna be sweet and innocent enough for him. Diva alert, Ben. Homegirl dated P-Diddy for goodness sake!

Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron
Really, Vanessa? Are you that thick that you think you can keep a 22-year-old with a gazillion female fans/obsessives satisfied and happy?! Get real. Little old Zac is totally gonna be getting stuck into anyone he can get his hands on. They’re on again/off again, I know. But I really can’t see it lasting long-term.

Which celeb couples do you reckon will go the distance?
Who would you recommend a hasty pre-nup to?

Comment. Ah go on.